So busy. Can’t really even form sentences. Summer is that time for me when it’s like, I want to do everything that I can, but also work is so totally nuts that sitting down to log it all is basically the last thing on my mind.

SO! MANY! THINGS!

I read this post on holding yourself accountable, and I really took it to heart. And then I still didn’t post for months. I am so upset with myself. I am not holding myself accountable in so many places. I feel lost in the busy-ness and the stress.

But this blog is important to me. Becoming a better writer is important to me. Being here, showing up, living life and holding myself accountable for my own damn life. It’s important to me.

STRESS.

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Not that I do now.

A few weeks ago I actually almost canceled my flight. What was I even doing!? Going to Vegas. Who cares about Vegas? I lived there for 10 years and have grown to hate it. Meet some “friends” I met on the Internet? CREEPY. But I didn’t cancel my flight. I connected with my roommates and realized that I do know these creepers. They’re like me. Except totally unlike me. Which is even more awesomer.

When I was a kid I was always so sociable. Never had a problem making friends. But something happened that changed that quality in me. I’m now shy and introverted and shelled. It makes me feel weird. Like I’m not really me. So I am going to Vegas with a completely open heart and so totally excited to make some amazing friends. And be complete creepers with them. Because I’m not shy. I’m that freaking loud girl. And I want to be true to myself. Starting now. Hello world.

but then there’s rage.

Rage is not like a temper tantrum. For me, rage only happens with someone or something I really care deeply about. Temper tantrums and pouting? Those are just when I don’t get what I want. When I don’t get my way. And usually? It’s because I’m actually mad at myself. It’s only happened when myself or someone close to me has been wronged. Wronged in a really big, bad way. In a “what makes you think you can just treat people that way?!” way. Sometimes, there are just people in our lives that bring out the worst in us.

Well, it happened to me this week. And it’s one of those things that just overcomes me. There’s a reason they call it “blind rage.” It’s ugly and it’s messy and it makes me feel like I must be a horrible person, for having lost my cool in such a deep, dark way. And, no matter what someone said to me, or how they acted toward me, there is absolutely NOTHING okay about dumping that rage on them. And while I still get worked up just thinking about it, and I still feel guilty about the way I acted, and I’m still worried about what will happen next … something good did come of it.

it showed me how passionate i am

Now, I’m not about to say that rage can be a good thing. It’s not. And if you know of a way to prevent it altogether, I’d love to know. [warning: I'm going to be pretty reluctant to accepting advice from people who are naturally passive / live a stressless life of zen / avoid confrontation. I'm aggressive and I know it, live a stressful life that I love and am only capable of  saying what I mean to people.]

So, while I’m still feeling guilty and completely unsure of how I will proceed, I at least now know that this thing? It’s worth fighting for.

so, tell me

Do you ever get enraged? Do you allow yourself to explode? How do you calm down? What then?

What do you do when people bring out the worst in you?

* And I HAVE to work things out. I’m a grudge-holder, and I can’t help it. So unless we talk things through, I have a hard time letting go. [but at least I know where my flaws lie, right? RIGHT?!]

I used to have this friend. She was a best friend. She and I shared years of friendship and good times. We lived together for three years, and eventually, just couldn’t be friends any more. It was THE worst break-up of my life. I have actually never been through anything with a guy, like the pain I went through with her.

that was three years ago this month.

So, a few weeks ago, I ran into her. And it was clear to me, that there are some bitter, ugly feelings there. I can never know, let alone do anything about, the way she feels about me [although I'm sure I could make some pretty close guesses].

About halfway through the three-hour class [the first and only session of my online class], I realized she still has power over me. She has power to make me feel small. She has the power to make me feel like I am who I think she thinks I am [I had to read it twice, too].

it’s not about her

She’s not doing anything but being herself. And that’s all I can do, too. And myself? I’m not this small person. I’m not someone who needs to engage in in the petty stuff. I’m successful and I have an awesome job and and awesome life. Filled with a boyfriend who loves me, friends and family who support me, a kitteh who snuggles me. And who the hell cares what she thinks anyway? But I can’t deny that I still have yucky feelings. It’s easy to regress into the same person I was at 21 years old.

which is how i get out of the yuck

I remind myself that it’s not me anymore and the rest seems so small; doesn’t matter. What gets me out of it is to get outside of myself. Give to others. That night, I got an e-mail from Nate with ItStartsWith.Us about an #Ateam mission. And then I remembered who I am NOW.

Giving to someone in some way does two things. It takes me outside of myself, taking the focus off the petty stuff. It also brings me back in to who I am, not who I was.

so, what do you do when something brings you way down?

I wrote about how easy it is to change when it’s something you want, and what the heck should I do when some unexpected change happens that throws my whole life out of whack and I want to crawl in a hole?

Then I had a meeting at work about my new role at work and then my brain started to swell, and then I got all twitchy, and then I couldn’t find my breath. I mean, I only sort of wanted to crawl in a hole, but just thinking about what it means to pitch to national media, being THE go-to person for something, how to keep track of every detail … it took my breath away.

even good change is terribly scary and hard

But it’s growth. And that’s what I’m after, right?

so. bring. it. on.

So basically, Brad had surgery to correct his deviated septum.  And I did not deal with his recovery very well.  Being the kid of a doctor, you’d think I was used to–or at least comfortable with–the whole medicine, hospital, surgery experience.  But the truth is, I’ve never been around a doctor that wasn’t my dad or uncle for more than an hour.  The only nurse I’m familiar with is my mom.  And the only IV I’ve ever had was when I got my wisdom teeth out in 12th grade (read: forever ago).

And I’ve definitely never helped someone through recovery.

Don’t get me wrong, I love brad and would do anything for him.  But usually, we’re a team.  He takes care of me and I take care of him.  But mostly he takes care of me.

It was a VERY harsh realization for me, how much I depend on him.  For favors and the little things, but also, emotionally.  It was GUT WRENCHING to feel all stressed out with work, making sure he took his meds, making sure he didn’t try to drive somewhere, etc. and not be able to talk to him about what was going on with me. I know I COULD HAVE talked to him … I think he thinks I’m pretty stupid for not trying to.  But every time I tried to be open, I just felt this surge of emotion and I could see it hitting a blank wall.  It was too hard.  He was there, but he wasn’t.

I know this post will probably upset him, but I want him … and myself to realize that it was a very important growing experience for me.  And now that I have him back (all the way back) I feel even more open than before his surgery.  I feel freer.  And best of all, I wanted to share it all with you.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and Happy New Year*.

*Which will hopefully bring a brand new site!!!

You would think I’d have learned this by now, but for some reason I NEED to keep reminding myself that the time when I least feel like doing something is when I need to do it the most (writing and riding alike).  So, here we are.

First, I have to give myself public props for riding on my first day back to work, and not just because I said I would.  It felt good.  And I knew it would be THAT much more difficult if I didn’t just jump right in and do it.  So I did (and then because of heavy loads in need of transportation, I didn’t ride the next two days), and again on Friday.

In talking with Brad, I’ve noticed that lately, I don’t even have to think about it.  I’d be fooling myself to say that it’s become routine or habit for me already.  But I’m at least able to appreciate how easy it’s been to just get up and get on my bike (hah–all three times).  It does kind of make me wonder though, why it’s been so hard for me to capture any of this in my blog?  Often something will happen (or not happen) and I think, what a great blog post this will make, but the post never comes.  Maybe I am just THAT busy, but I don’t want to cop out with excuses.

That said, the other blog-worthy things that happened (or didn’t happen) since my last post:

We (Brad and I–my family wasn’t so excited about mountain biking) totally missed out on a mountain biking adventure we were trying to sign up for in Curacao.  I was BUMMED.  I have never been mountain biking before and was really exciting at the prospect of doing it for the first time on a tropical island.**

We did do an awesome kayak day in Aruba though, which was super rad.  I had also never kayaked before (although seeing people do it in the Truckee River sufficiently freaked me out about it).  Kayaking on a nice mellow beach though, I was prepared to handle.  I even volunteered to go first (YES, that is impressive and I’ll thank you to not disagree with me).

IweBrad kicked ass at kayaking.  When I wasn’t showering him with my paddle.  At least we didn’t tip over like my bro and sis (sorry guys ).

Anyway, it was fun.  And almost started to make up for the amount of delicious cruise food I ate the rest of the week. ***

The other noteworthy thing that happened this week is we FINALLY adjusted the seat on my bike so my knees will stop hurting (thank you Jeff Moser for helping to diagnose) and it’s a bajillion times better.

Now that school has started (not for me, but for my boo, who is in class until 7 on Monday and Wednesday) and daylight saving hasn’t ended quite yet, I might do some solo exploring on my bike.  Even though, it’s Monday, my workday has ended and yet, I’m sitting at my desk writing this … um, I guess that means peace out til next time! ****

**AND SUBSEQUENTLY BLOGGING ABOUT IT!!!

*** oh, btw, if you were wondering, the cruise was AWESOME

**** and if you made it all the way down here, thanks!  Now go do something more fun, please! (apparently it’s a footnote kind of day)

We didn’t really think much of it when we decided to do our “celebrating” on the third.  But in hindsight, it worked.  Well, either it worked, or it completely didn’t matter at all.  We did suffer a flat tire, but it didn’t end up ruining our day.  And that was the best.

Brad and I so look forward to, and cherish, the very rare day that we both have off.  It doesn’t happen often, being that he works weekends at the hospital and I work weekdays.  So when I found out I’d have the third off, we were stoked to sleep in, lay around, have a nice breakfast AND GO FOR A NICE LONG BIKE RIDE.  So we rode the trail that goes from downtown Reno all the way to east Sparks.

It was fun and peaceful and just so nice to do what we like to do.  Together.  On the way back, we realized Brad’s front tire was completely flat and we didn’t have a travel pump.  And apparently the pump his tires require is somewhat rare.  After lots of calling, we finally found someone that could bring our pump all the way to us (did I mention, we were in Sparks?)  My little sister’s roommate was our savior and we were back on the road.

There was definitely a moment for each of us where we could have gotten really pissed off and upset.  And it could have completely ruined our day.  But it’s quite amazing how much difference a positive attitude can make.  It’s easy, of course, to remain positive when it’s not your own tire that’s flat.  But it’s contagious.  I was determined to find a solution, and we did.  And all was good.  And we still had a fantastic day.

us out in Sparks. we rode all the way to the Legends from our house, which is south of downtown.

on the way back. it really is a beautiful trail.

getting close to wingfield as the sun was setting - there's river in this shot somewhere.

So I guess what I’m trying to say is that bad shit happens, sometimes when we’re trying to celebrate (which might be our own fault – as human beings – for having high expectation), but what matters is how you deal with it.