I feel like I’m coming of age again, and finding myself.

It’s like I’ve learned that people like me for exactly who I am.

These are two things I’ve said in the last week, on separate occasions. I’m not sure what it is that’s come over me in the last few weeks, but I feel like me again. Like the most me I’ve felt in a really long time. I didn’t even know that I hadn’t been feeling like me.

Once upon a time, I actually was That Loud Girl. But when people meet me In Real Life that know me mostly online, they’re kinda like “really?”

some background, maybe?

I didn’t know it, but my spirit was broken when I graduated college – when I completed one particularly grueling class. I became a hermit. I mean, I got a job, I moved in with my boyfriend, etc. and Life Was Great and all. But I went inward. I became an introvert that I never really knew. I felt like I had to be on and psych myself up to be around people.

it. was. exhausting.

And then I fell into this club. It took some time, but then we actually became a club [as in it was more than just me and one other person]. And then I started getting to know people and making friends and being completely and 100 percent me all of the time. With people around. And I run my mouth and I swear too much and I have a little [okay, a lot] of crazy in my eye and I probably end up scaring a lot of people the first time I meet them.

But them they keep coming back. They join the club. They want to be around me. Let me pause.

This is starting to sound like a cry for compliments. It’s not. I swear.

that’s right. at age 26, i have learned that people honest-to-god love me for exactly who i am.

It’s not that I wasn’t being myself. I just wasn’t being around people. I figured that the people who need to love me already do. I’ve got everyone I need.

But on Thursday night, with not one sip of alcohol in my blood, I was seriously drunk on love. I was around a crapload of people, and I didn’t need to be on. I was just there. Being me. Having a great freaking time.

So, I’m a little bit crazy, and a little bit loud. I love to laugh, often for no reason at all. I’m a writer, but I often have no idea why. I may not know who I am entirely, but I love it anyway.*

Self-love, bitches. What of it?

*And thank you to the ladies who helped me figure it out this week.

Did you know that Hanukkah falls in the first week of December this year?

There are only 45 days left in 2010.

45 days left in my 25th year on this earth (plus nine, since my birthday is on January 9).

While of course, I’ll be the first to tell you it’s kind of a hectic time in our lives, I’m also coming to terms with the fact that this is adulthood. And if I want to have everything I want to have, it’s gonna be hectic for a whileever.

I keep telling myself I’ll have time to do something “once we’re more settled.”

I mean yeah, the unpacking needs to get done. And the financial stuff needs to get sorted out (FYI, merging moneys = complicated!). And we need to fix things on this old house. And Christmas/Hanukkah presents need to be purchased (ack!).

But I also need to care for me and my relationship and my needs. So, in the spirit of the incredible Amy, and her list of advice to herself right now, here’s my wish list. Here are the ways I’m going to give to myself for the remainder of 2010:

• write, every day – it doesn’t have to be a blog post a day (let’s get real), but write something somewhere each day. Even if it’s just a paragraph in one of the beautiful journals you have.
• spend as much time with the little sister as possible – you feel most like me when you’re around the siblings, laughing at everything and nothing.
• make Ad2 Reno your second job – follow the passion that has been brought into your life by this organization.
• cook at home - make meals together, and eat them at the dinner table, at least two nights a week.
• do crossword puzzles together – while drinking hot chocolate.
• have fun and get creative with decorating the new house – no, this does not mean go out and spend all your money at Target, but take trips to Goodwill and use that little sliver of creativity to see what you can come up with that makes you love the space even more.
• move your body – like Amy says, you’ll never ever regret it.

So that’s my wish list. That’s what I want to give myself this Christmakkuh. Any suggestions on fitting it all in?

I was a balling, mushy mess.

Because, while I know he’s not a fan of #mushytweets, I want the world to know what an incredible man I am marrying. Even if it makes him blush.

So, on Friday, in celebration of both the last five wonderful years and the 75 (at least) more to come, we had the most perfect day. We hiked Galena Creek a bit, in search for where we want to have The Big Day.

galena creek

And we took a cooking class at Back of the House. So. Much. Fun. Also? So much wine. Delicious food (which we made ourselves). More on that soon.

cheese!

Hiking and cooking together = one of the best days we have had in a long time. And a much needed day off for both of us. We’re still adjusting to being on a more similar schedule, getting to go out and play on the weekends and spending time together.

I know it’s still two years until we’re married, but I feel like what we have here already, our life together, it’s the beginning of a marriage. I love it.

* five points if you know what that’s from

sedoney baloney

You know, I think when most people go through this for the first time, it feels different. Growing up, we didn’t have a pet until I was in third grade. Sadly, we had to give her to a family without children after a few years. We got Sedona the day before I started sixth grade. It was the best day ever, and I remember bringing her home from the breeder, sitting in the back of our minivan, holding her on just one hand. And in sixth grade, I had small hands (not that they’re huge now).

sedona, sedoney baloney, poopy-dog

She was three parts shih tzu and one part lhasa apso, and the sweetest dog anyone ever met. I don’t think she ever even snapped at anything that wasn’t a squeaky toy. It’s been about seven years since I lived at home and saw Sedona regularly. It’s been about four years that she’s been sick. And it’s been about six months that we’ve known this day would be coming soon.

I thought I would be more sad when I got that phone call from my dad. I think I have to put Sedona down this week. But I’d been expecting it. The last time I was home she could hardly walk or eat. I knew it wouldn’t be long before she just couldn’t walk anymore. So I was surprised this afternoon, when I got the text from my brother. She’s gone. She’s gone and I didn’t get to say goodbye.

It’s harder than you think it’s going to be.

I don’t think it’s any coincidence that one of the first things I read at the beginning of last week was one about self hatred. This post really had me thinking about how I take care of myself. And more importantly, the ways I do not. It’s an ugly truth, but for me, being aware of it is a step in the right direction.

enough hate, bring on the love

If you haven’t been reading the All You Need series over on Ophelias Webb, you really should catch up. But this particular post by Grace Boyle should be deemed unmissable. Remember to take care of yourself, physically and emotionally.

And I can’t wait to do it again … Thank you, Katie Lou!

photo credit: weheartit

Our July third ride was so amazing.  It was a super long ride, and we got to spend the whole day together.  Two things we never do.  I wish there were more room in our lives for that.  There’s just not enough rides in our lives and not enough time.

It’s not that can’t/won’t/don’t want to ride by myself.  But it’s so much better when we do it together.

Riding makes me feel really good.  Physically and (more importantly) emotionally.  So, why am I not doing it more often?

I rode to work today (and three days last week).  But why don’t I feel good (emotionally)?

We didn’t really think much of it when we decided to do our “celebrating” on the third.  But in hindsight, it worked.  Well, either it worked, or it completely didn’t matter at all.  We did suffer a flat tire, but it didn’t end up ruining our day.  And that was the best.

Brad and I so look forward to, and cherish, the very rare day that we both have off.  It doesn’t happen often, being that he works weekends at the hospital and I work weekdays.  So when I found out I’d have the third off, we were stoked to sleep in, lay around, have a nice breakfast AND GO FOR A NICE LONG BIKE RIDE.  So we rode the trail that goes from downtown Reno all the way to east Sparks.

It was fun and peaceful and just so nice to do what we like to do.  Together.  On the way back, we realized Brad’s front tire was completely flat and we didn’t have a travel pump.  And apparently the pump his tires require is somewhat rare.  After lots of calling, we finally found someone that could bring our pump all the way to us (did I mention, we were in Sparks?)  My little sister’s roommate was our savior and we were back on the road.

There was definitely a moment for each of us where we could have gotten really pissed off and upset.  And it could have completely ruined our day.  But it’s quite amazing how much difference a positive attitude can make.  It’s easy, of course, to remain positive when it’s not your own tire that’s flat.  But it’s contagious.  I was determined to find a solution, and we did.  And all was good.  And we still had a fantastic day.

us out in Sparks. we rode all the way to the Legends from our house, which is south of downtown.

on the way back. it really is a beautiful trail.

getting close to wingfield as the sun was setting - there's river in this shot somewhere.

So I guess what I’m trying to say is that bad shit happens, sometimes when we’re trying to celebrate (which might be our own fault – as human beings – for having high expectation), but what matters is how you deal with it.

This week was just so nuts!  Next week probably won’t be too different, actually.  BUT, in spite of my crazy week, I did manage to ride my bike to work three times last week!  I felt so proud.  I have to get better about riding other places though.  After work, on the weekend, etc.  It’s hard to get on the bike if I don’t have somewhere I’m going.  Yeah, I can take rides to Starbucks, but that’s not very far and also encourages me to spend money, which is no bueno.  It seems like all the places that are close enough for me to ride to are too close, but anything else is too far.  I guess I just need to become a better rider so I can go to the far places.  Excellent plan, self. 

On Thursday night Brad and I rode to Starbucks for some hot chocolate and to work on the abstract for his thesis.  That was interesting.  It took us like two hours to go through the whole thing, but I think I helped.  I just barely understand the dumbed down version of what he does.  But I am a writer and more importantly, a journalist, so I have been trained to say as much as I can in as few words possible (although I don’t really display that here in this blog, as I tend to be long-winded and non sequitur).  Anyway, it was hard, but fun.

yeah, we marked it up pretty good

He is such a smart boy.  Oh, and if anyone ever feels like reading his work (and becoming very aware of how little you know about science) click here.  The smarty pants is graduating in a couple weeks, too.    Thanks to Mike for snapping (the elusive and presumed impossible) good picture of him.

Oh, another highlight of this week (I live a very excigting life) was the creepy racoon that wandered around our parking lot at work.  I thought it was a cat at first.  I took a picture, but it was hard to get a good picture of him without y’know, catching rabies.

see him there, about to go under dixie's car?

I know it looks like a cat, but it was a raccoon.  The best part of that though, was the lady across thes street walking her dogs, trying to talk the raccoon out of coming near her and her dogs.

Hey lady, how about going inside?  I don’t think the racoon cares if you want it to stay away.  There was also some genius following the damn thing around.  I know that I didn’t even know it was a raccoon at first, but at least I knew enough to stay away from it.  Oh the joys of working by the river.  It is NEVER boring.  I just noticed I have used two different spellings of the word raccoon (racoon?) throughout the last couple paragraphs and I can’t tell which is correct.  That seldom happens.

Okay, and now I’m just rambling, so I think that means this entry is over now.  Time to go make some breakfast.

So, we finally started on our ride at around 6:30.  Wingfield Park is not even a mile and a half from my house, so that’s not really what scared me, but being on the road with cars on Arlington .. ick.  It ended up being pretty quiet so I did okay.  I think I am almost ready to ride to work soon!

So, we rode to Wingfield and had our little picnic on the grass.

Disclaimer: I was a little camera-happy so prepare yourself for lots of Becca-and-Brad pictures!

Brad, pretending to not notice I'm taking pictures of him.

We had an experimental home-made pasta salad.  We are so cute.  It’s almost disgusting.  Okay, it is.  We are totally that couple I used to hate.  I wanted to lay on the grass some more but Brad wasn’t really enjoying it as much as I was.

me, laying on the grass. brad, not amused.

brad hijacked my phone and caught one of me getting ready to go. good thing i was already smiling

Then we rode around the park a bit.  We were going to sit and have a beer at the Tap House, but it was too crowded, so we decided to just sit down by the river to enjoy our amazingly delicious dessert.

balsamic-honey strawberries with a whipped vanilla bean mascarpone topping. heaven.

No reason for putting this here, I just thought it was super cute.

And that was our evening.  We rode back just as the sun went down (loving that it’s light out til 8 these days!)  Can’t wait to do it again.