Would I be able to go on with my life without it? Yeah. [one blog post in the last month. Please.] Sometimes I question my desire, and if it’s event the right thing for me. Sure, writing is an outlet. It absolutely feels cathartic to put it all down on paper blinkey-cursor-thing. But I don’t feel like I NEED it. I can achieve that same cathartic feeling from talking it out with a best friend, a good yoga session or finally letting it all hit the fan and breaking down completely. Am I really a writer? Why do I write? And if I really wanted to be here, in this space, I’d make time to write regular posts. Right?

oh, self-doubt. you are no friend of mine

Here’s what I do know:

• Writing helps me work through things. It helps me figure out what my feelings actually are on something, when nothing else seems to work. So although I’d rather use a real life person to bounce things off of, I know that sometimes to think clearly, I just need to get. the words. out.
• I’m drawn to it. I always have been. I’ve never really not thought of myself as a writer. No amount of self-doubt can really change that.
• I want to get better at it.

So I’m going to [try to] stop doubting myself.  And start trusting myself. The writing will happen. And if I’m afraid it doesn’t, I’m just going to do it anyway, dammit.

I’m hoping it’s just because my head is filled with snot and there isn’t enough room for ideas or words.

photo credit: weheartit

My whole life, I’ve been a procrastinator. I’ve been a down-to-the-wire, “I-swear-I-work-best-under-pressure,” wait-til-the-last-minute person. I studied journalism and work in a world full of short deadlines.

I’m starting to realize though, that I don’t have to be a procrastinator all the time. I always thought that procrastination was one of those things that you either do or you don’t. There are people who do everything ahead of time and leave buffers, and there are people that wait until the last possible hour to even start that paper.

I spent the weekend getting ahead in two important areas of my life: this blog, and the Web class I’m taking for work. These are two things that I don’t generally have time for on the Monday-Friday, but I need them in my life, and they’re not things I can put off.

So, while I may work well under pressure and on a deadline [hey, I still need to for my job], I can also be someone who plans ahead, does next week’s homework this week and writes/schedules future blog posts.

i could never use a planner

This week, I also learned about prioritization. Remember in school, how they always supplied you with those daily planners that had your school’s mascot on the cover, and the first five minutes of every class period was spent writing down that day’s homework? I was terrible at those. I always wrote it down, because I had to. But I never looked at it again until I had to write in it at the beginning of the class. I always just kept things in my head. And when I couldn’t? My hand was a better place for assignments than a planner [oh shuttup, I know you did it too].

But since school, that doesn’t work for me anymore. Maybe it’s my memory failing me in my old age [hah]. But really, there are just too many things to do. Sometimes, far more I can even think about doing in one day. Last week, I came to a point where a to-do list wasn’t enough. Because I could look at this list [which spanned more than one page], and feel my heart start to beat out of my chest with nerves.

so, i prioritized

I organized my list by client or project and then color-coded them by priority. Red has to get done today, yellow needs to be done this week and green is for next week. Call it OCD, but it helps me on those days where I have so much to do and ZERO ability to determine what should get done first.

Different things work for different people, and I’ve had to adapt my own personal habits to fit my workload. It’s definitely been an adjustment, but my sanity is appreciating the change.

what works for you?

Do you keep it all in your head? Do you write everything down? Does list-making and using a calendar help you?

photo credit: weheartit

Wow.  I wasn’t going to answer this one because of what I imagine is much of the reasoning behind Gwen Bell’s post on this same topic.

I don’t find my chi, or vow to unplug or practice yoga, so nothing immediately stood out to me.  But wow, the sense of peace that came over me when I read that post.  Unmatched.  Peace, for me, is in realizing that everything is as it should be, chaos and all.

On that same note, I just purchased my URL (or as Brad would have it, my “Earl”) for the thing that is to become my blog.  Call it peace or call it pee-in-my-freaking-pants-excited … it’s a GOOD FEELING.

What’s this about?

Check Gwen Bell here.

see?

I’ve been trying to write down EVERYTHING I think of in terms of this blog.  It’s been kind of fun to just be all over the place with it for now.

I’m working with my friend, Mike, to make it my most awesomest blog ever (which, lets face it, won’t be hard since what you’re reading is my first ever).  But really, it’s been fun putting all our creative juices together.  I don’t really have a lot of creative juices, but EVERY LAST DROP has been going into this.

Anyway, I just wanted to gush about how essited I am to reveal (which will be sometime after the new year)*.

*You see, I work in PR so I am building buzz.  It’s what I DO.

Don’t get me wrong.

I’m totally still going to ride my bike and write about it (when it get’s warmer).  But … there’s so much more to me.  There’s so much more to the development of the person I’m becoming.  What I need to bring my focus to is what do I want?  What do I want to do? I love my life and the people in it.  I love my job and my family.  But I have become complacent.  I know I’m not the only one.  I’m not the only person who graduates college [two years ago, now], finds a great job [trust me, I know how lucky I am], loves unconditionally and gets comfortable in that.

Hey, so live a comfortable life.  I’m SO lucky.  I know that.  I was brought up in a privileged, caring and compassionate household [that's not without its problems, trust me].  I’ve made good decisions.  I’m no genius and I’m no innovator, but I know I’m smart.

So what?

I love my job.  I love my boy.  So many people try their whole lives to get what I’ve got.  It’s like my own little miracle.  I can stop trying to find the right career.  I’m in it. I can stop looking for Mr. Right.  I have him. I can now focus all of that energy on anything and everything else.

But what?

I don’t know yet.  I’m going to spend some time thinking about who I am and what I do.  Who I want to be and what I want to do.  I’m pretty excited.  And I really hope that some of this will mean as much to some of you,  as the things you have done mean A LOT to me.  But I guess the truth is, it doesn’t really matter because this means a SHITLOAD to me.

You would think I’d have learned this by now, but for some reason I NEED to keep reminding myself that the time when I least feel like doing something is when I need to do it the most (writing and riding alike).  So, here we are.

First, I have to give myself public props for riding on my first day back to work, and not just because I said I would.  It felt good.  And I knew it would be THAT much more difficult if I didn’t just jump right in and do it.  So I did (and then because of heavy loads in need of transportation, I didn’t ride the next two days), and again on Friday.

In talking with Brad, I’ve noticed that lately, I don’t even have to think about it.  I’d be fooling myself to say that it’s become routine or habit for me already.  But I’m at least able to appreciate how easy it’s been to just get up and get on my bike (hah–all three times).  It does kind of make me wonder though, why it’s been so hard for me to capture any of this in my blog?  Often something will happen (or not happen) and I think, what a great blog post this will make, but the post never comes.  Maybe I am just THAT busy, but I don’t want to cop out with excuses.

That said, the other blog-worthy things that happened (or didn’t happen) since my last post:

We (Brad and I–my family wasn’t so excited about mountain biking) totally missed out on a mountain biking adventure we were trying to sign up for in Curacao.  I was BUMMED.  I have never been mountain biking before and was really exciting at the prospect of doing it for the first time on a tropical island.**

We did do an awesome kayak day in Aruba though, which was super rad.  I had also never kayaked before (although seeing people do it in the Truckee River sufficiently freaked me out about it).  Kayaking on a nice mellow beach though, I was prepared to handle.  I even volunteered to go first (YES, that is impressive and I’ll thank you to not disagree with me).

IweBrad kicked ass at kayaking.  When I wasn’t showering him with my paddle.  At least we didn’t tip over like my bro and sis (sorry guys ).

Anyway, it was fun.  And almost started to make up for the amount of delicious cruise food I ate the rest of the week. ***

The other noteworthy thing that happened this week is we FINALLY adjusted the seat on my bike so my knees will stop hurting (thank you Jeff Moser for helping to diagnose) and it’s a bajillion times better.

Now that school has started (not for me, but for my boo, who is in class until 7 on Monday and Wednesday) and daylight saving hasn’t ended quite yet, I might do some solo exploring on my bike.  Even though, it’s Monday, my workday has ended and yet, I’m sitting at my desk writing this … um, I guess that means peace out til next time! ****

**AND SUBSEQUENTLY BLOGGING ABOUT IT!!!

*** oh, btw, if you were wondering, the cruise was AWESOME

**** and if you made it all the way down here, thanks!  Now go do something more fun, please! (apparently it’s a footnote kind of day)

So, basically, I sucked this week and hardly rode at all.  I rode to work both Monday and Tuesday, but ended up having Brad come get both me and my bike each day.  Riding home after a 13-hour day just wasn’t appealing enough.  I gave up for the week because 1) I was just too busy and 2) I had places that needed to be driven to.  Boo, I was a lame, excuse-making slacker.

But, by Friday, I was itching to ride, so the boyfriend and I took a ride to check out the Reno River Festival.

pre-ride. in the sun. cute expression.

It was alright.  Mostly just a bunch of people.  We ended up going down to the West Street Market for some gyros at Niko’s and shared a yummy beer at the wine bar.  We rode home and thought we’d stay in for the night, but ended up going back out (on our bikes) to have some drinks at Jungle Vino with my BFF Annie and her boyfriend.  Fun times.  Was the first time I’ve really ridden in the dark.  That was interesting.  I need a much better headlight though, if I’m going to keep doing that.

Even though they’re usually short and not nearly frequent enough, I really love going for bike rides with that boy of mine.  I probably never would have gotten the bike if it weren’t for him.

Yesterday started off rough, but ended with a nice ride to Starbucks and then down to pick up dinner from Jimmy John’s.  Yep, I rode all the way to the University and back!  Sierra at dusk was a little scary though.

Goal for next week: ride to work (and back!!) every day.  Or at least four days.  It’s just TOO pretty out to be driving to work!

Now, that’s not to say I won’t stop sharing my quips about odd happenings in my life.  You’re not that lucky.

But I am going to be more consciencious about what I post here.  I am not 100 percent sure what that looks like yet.  But I do know this–I definitely need to be on my bike a lot more to have better stories to tell.  Now, the learning part is mostly taken care of.  I can ride the bike.  Now I need to start experiencing life from my bike.

Which reminds me!  I had my first experience last week with a driver not paying attention to and/or not caring about sharing the road with a cyclist.  Luckily, I was paying very good attention and neither of us were going very fast.  But, a good reminder about how important it is that I am completely alert and aware of everything happening when I’m on that little red Schwinn.  I gave him the WTF look, he stared back at me blankly and we both went on our way.

I didn’t ride againt this weekend.  But it was yucky weather, which just begs for staying inside.  At any rate, it felt good to get a TON of cleaning done.  It was really, really necessary and now I feel good about my dad and Brad’s family coming in to town for graduation!

BUT, I am promising myself to ride both days this weekend.

On a last note, I really, really, REALLY did not want to ride to work this morning.  So much that, I actually managed to convince myself not to.  It’s gonna be windy, I’m too tired, it’s too cold, I don’t have time, etc.  Then, by some sort of miracle, I re-convinced myself that I should ride!  Not sure how, other than I guess I really wanted to!  Which is very, very good.

Soon Dad … I promise.