Since I was a kid, I’ve thrown temper tantrums. When I was young, it was the screaming, yelling, crying, flailing kind. Nowadays, it’s more of a stewing, pouting, resenting, word-hurting kind, but I’m proud to say that [at age 25] I’ve mostly grown out of these tantrums. I mean, I still do the stewing, pouting thing, but I try to do it quietly and privately. AND THEN work things out* like a grown-up.

but then there’s rage.

Rage is not like a temper tantrum. For me, rage only happens with someone or something I really care deeply about. Temper tantrums and pouting? Those are just when I don’t get what I want. When I don’t get my way. And usually? It’s because I’m actually mad at myself. It’s only happened when myself or someone close to me has been wronged. Wronged in a really big, bad way. In a “what makes you think you can just treat people that way?!” way. Sometimes, there are just people in our lives that bring out the worst in us.

Well, it happened to me this week. And it’s one of those things that just overcomes me. There’s a reason they call it “blind rage.” It’s ugly and it’s messy and it makes me feel like I must be a horrible person, for having lost my cool in such a deep, dark way. And, no matter what someone said to me, or how they acted toward me, there is absolutely NOTHING okay about dumping that rage on them. And while I still get worked up just thinking about it, and I still feel guilty about the way I acted, and I’m still worried about what will happen next … something good did come of it.

it showed me how passionate i am

Now, I’m not about to say that rage can be a good thing. It’s not. And if you know of a way to prevent it altogether, I’d love to know. [warning: I'm going to be pretty reluctant to accepting advice from people who are naturally passive / live a stressless life of zen / avoid confrontation. I'm aggressive and I know it, live a stressful life that I love and am only capable of  saying what I mean to people.]

So, while I’m still feeling guilty and completely unsure of how I will proceed, I at least now know that this thing? It’s worth fighting for.

so, tell me

Do you ever get enraged? Do you allow yourself to explode? How do you calm down? What then?

What do you do when people bring out the worst in you?

* And I HAVE to work things out. I’m a grudge-holder, and I can’t help it. So unless we talk things through, I have a hard time letting go. [but at least I know where my flaws lie, right? RIGHT?!]