Not that I do now.

A few weeks ago I actually almost canceled my flight. What was I even doing!? Going to Vegas. Who cares about Vegas? I lived there for 10 years and have grown to hate it. Meet some “friends” I met on the Internet? CREEPY. But I didn’t cancel my flight. I connected with my roommates and realized that I do know these creepers. They’re like me. Except totally unlike me. Which is even more awesomer.

When I was a kid I was always so sociable. Never had a problem making friends. But something happened that changed that quality in me. I’m now shy and introverted and shelled. It makes me feel weird. Like I’m not really me. So I am going to Vegas with a completely open heart and so totally excited to make some amazing friends. And be complete creepers with them. Because I’m not shy. I’m that freaking loud girl. And I want to be true to myself. Starting now. Hello world.

I used to have this friend. She was a best friend. She and I shared years of friendship and good times. We lived together for three years, and eventually, just couldn’t be friends any more. It was THE worst break-up of my life. I have actually never been through anything with a guy, like the pain I went through with her.

that was three years ago this month.

So, a few weeks ago, I ran into her. And it was clear to me, that there are some bitter, ugly feelings there. I can never know, let alone do anything about, the way she feels about me [although I'm sure I could make some pretty close guesses].

About halfway through the three-hour class [the first and only session of my online class], I realized she still has power over me. She has power to make me feel small. She has the power to make me feel like I am who I think she thinks I am [I had to read it twice, too].

it’s not about her

She’s not doing anything but being herself. And that’s all I can do, too. And myself? I’m not this small person. I’m not someone who needs to engage in in the petty stuff. I’m successful and I have an awesome job and and awesome life. Filled with a boyfriend who loves me, friends and family who support me, a kitteh who snuggles me. And who the hell cares what she thinks anyway? But I can’t deny that I still have yucky feelings. It’s easy to regress into the same person I was at 21 years old.

which is how i get out of the yuck

I remind myself that it’s not me anymore and the rest seems so small; doesn’t matter. What gets me out of it is to get outside of myself. Give to others. That night, I got an e-mail from Nate with ItStartsWith.Us about an #Ateam mission. And then I remembered who I am NOW.

Giving to someone in some way does two things. It takes me outside of myself, taking the focus off the petty stuff. It also brings me back in to who I am, not who I was.

so, what do you do when something brings you way down?