what brings me down, and how i get out of it
Posted in hard stuff on 02/07/2010 10:12 am by Becca
I used to have this friend. She was a best friend. She and I shared years of friendship and good times. We lived together for three years, and eventually, just couldn’t be friends any more. It was THE worst break-up of my life. I have actually never been through anything with a guy, like the pain I went through with her.
that was three years ago this month.
So, a few weeks ago, I ran into her. And it was clear to me, that there are some bitter, ugly feelings there. I can never know, let alone do anything about, the way she feels about me [although I'm sure I could make some pretty close guesses].
About halfway through the three-hour class [the first and only session of my online class], I realized she still has power over me. She has power to make me feel small. She has the power to make me feel like I am who I think she thinks I am [I had to read it twice, too].
it’s not about her
She’s not doing anything but being herself. And that’s all I can do, too. And myself? I’m not this small person. I’m not someone who needs to engage in in the petty stuff. I’m successful and I have an awesome job and and awesome life. Filled with a boyfriend who loves me, friends and family who support me, a kitteh who snuggles me. And who the hell cares what she thinks anyway? But I can’t deny that I still have yucky feelings. It’s easy to regress into the same person I was at 21 years old.
which is how i get out of the yuck
I remind myself that it’s not me anymore and the rest seems so small; doesn’t matter. What gets me out of it is to get outside of myself. Give to others. That night, I got an e-mail from Nate with ItStartsWith.Us about an #Ateam mission. And then I remembered who I am NOW.
Giving to someone in some way does two things. It takes me outside of myself, taking the focus off the petty stuff. It also brings me back in to who I am, not who I was.
