Okay, so I just found this draft on my blog from like three years ago. I’m not sure why I never published it at the time, but reading it now kinda gave me a kick out of it. I figured there wouldn’t be any harm in sharing, especially if you are finding yourself in this most awkward of positions. Anyway, read on if you’d like —

I know that I’ve found myself in this position probably just under a hundred times in my romantic career. When you’re freshly broken up, or you found out he’s a cheater, or you like dance floor made out once and you’re creepily in love with him and udk why, it can be nearly irresistible to text him. You draft the perfect thing to say in your head (which is of course actually unnecessary and probably irrelevant to anything) and convince yourself that it needs to be said, when you and I both know that 99.9% of the time if you’re in this position already you’re pretty much screwed. Honestly, there’s not much use in saying anything to someone who is treating you in a way that makes you feel undervalued or appreciated. Once you recognize the reality of what’s going on, it’s time to put your hands up and back away slowly. Actually, just run.

Anyway, I know I’m the last person to be giving dating advice, but this isn’t dating advice. It’s just a list of things you can tell yourself and think about instead of sitting there waiting on a text from him or wondering if you should text him. If you think I’m being pathetic right now, we all know you’ve been in this position too. It’s universal baby. We’ve all been on both the giving and receiving end. The most compelling reason not to be ashamed of your heartbreak is that nobody cares. It’s just an infinitesimal hurdle in your life, and you probably won’t remember it in two years. Okay, enough talking.

Things to remind yourself when you’re resisting the urge to be an idiot:

1. Do you honestly think that in the event you did text him things would end up any differently? Think down the line. Ultimately, what do you gain? Most likely that will end with you both in the exact same positions with your frustration newly reinvigorated. Back at square one with double the anger. I’ve been there, and it took me dying my hair and getting a tattoo to get out of that wrath-swamp. Also, think about worst case scenario…he just doesn’t respond? Now you’re back at square one with double the embarrassment. Then you might be getting yourself in Britney shaved-head territory to evade the shame spiral that would start the second you realized he just…wasn’t going to respond to you.
2. I’ve mentioned this in one of my other posts, but THE BEST break up advice I HAVE EVER HAD was to make a list of all the things you dislike the ex/fling/whatever and read it whenever you miss him. When I used to write these, I found it even more effective the more specific I made it. Also, the more I talked about not only the things that made us incompatible but also the gross stuff — the licking his Cheeto dust off his fingers at the age of 26, the way he makes his voice lower when he’s talking to his guy friends, the way he smacks just barely so that you can’t say close your mouth but you can hear the soft smacking of lips every few seconds. The way he eats chicken salad out of the big container with a spoon. When you read stuff like that, as scathing as it may seem at first, it really does make you remember why you weren’t texting him in the first place. It makes him not seem so much like your crush, just a regular guy who did things that made you want to crawl out of your skin and into a black hole. I don’t meant this to sound rude, but I’m giving my strongest tips for you people who are dumb enough to listen to a word I say on the subject. Actually, I 100% take that back. I am experienced and capable!
3. Online shop. Or just scroll. I highly enjoy having another instagram for only following accounts that uplift me or otherwise contribute to my day, so that can be a method of distraction. Go down Wikipedia or Youtube rabbit holes. There are a bunch of things you could do. What’s the thing you enjoy doing most when you’re alone on your lazy days? Do that.
4. OH…I can’t believe I haven’t said this yet. BLOCK. HIS. OR HER. A$$. Well, I suppose it depends on the situation…the reason you’re not responding at the moment. In the event you are actually broken up and want to stay that way, blocking him or her is, in my opinion, essential. I’m not talking that buuuullsh*t “oh I blocked his number but not on snap” thing. I see you. You’re trying to see if he’ll switch apps to prove his love. I don’t think the majority of y’all want to know the answer ☕️ ! I think the advent of texting and then social media made cutting off communication with another human about six thousand times harder than it was in the olden days. When we break up with somebody, we basically have to re-break up with them seven different times on seven different platforms. Block his number, mute/unfollow on insta, unfriend on FB…by the time you get to snapchat you have little strength left. However (imagine this in James Earl Jones’ voice), it must be done. This is the only way. 😐  That way, you don’t have to question if he’ll reach out or not. You know he’s not. You can focus all that energy right on yourself n your pals. With him totally blocked, it’s as though you were a human when humans weren’t actually extensions of a machine — you can think straight and go through the day without any secret expectation of a virtual encounter. Now if you’re not going through a break up, but you’re just mad and don’t want to talk for a minute, you obviously don’t have to block him. I mean you don’t have to (and probably shouldn’t) do a single thing I say.
5. You are way too pretty and smart and cool to be wasting your time worrying about this nonsense!!!!!!!!!!! Honestly, this is the most important part of the whole thing. I feel like one of the very few things we’ve got going for us in 2020 is that I actually see women reminding each other that they are all worth way more than what our frail straw-house of a patriarchal society taught us. We are becoming increasingly aware that many (perhaps most) of our social constructs are antiquated and serve — whether tacitly or explicitly — the needs of white men. Girls have been conditioned to fit one, very constraining mold since…the dawn of civilization. We can’t even begin to know all the ways it affects us at a conscious level, let alone the much denser unconscious. We’re a product of our environment, and our environment happened to infuse us with an all-consuming need to please others without ever making others uncomfortable, even if that meant not speaking up for yourself when you may want to. Today, though, don’t think like a lady. Think like the divine, fierce being you are. These scruples with men that think Brussels is its own country and have definitely posted at least one pixelated video of a B-list rapper on their social media are NOT. WORTH. YOUR TIME. Rubbing coconut oil all over your body and then shaving real good is more important than texting some 32 year old whose idea of home decor is a few dead animals on the wall and a Scarface poster. Let me put it this way, the energy you would put into crafting the “perfect” text to that guy and then the fight that may ensue could get you through at least five miles. I’ve never run that many miles in my life, but it seemed like an accurate statement.
6. It’s just not that serious. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again — nothing in life is serious enough to weigh you down forever. Yeah, it may/it is going to suck for a while, but that’s okay. It’s all okay. There are the Big Things in life that are important, and as they come we will take them on with the strength they require. For now, when it’s just trying not to respond to a boy, think about how silly this will all sound to you in five years. Think about how you think of the boy or girl you liked five years ago. That person probably isn’t on your mind much anymore, are they? Time heals all wounds babay. Stay strong.

Well shucks, it’s 2022 Ethel here! I hope that post brought a smile to your face like it did mine. I hope it helped some of you! Sayonara 🙂