I want to be honest — right now I feel lost. I know that being in recovery isn’t a straight line upward, that there are dips and curves along the way. I know that life isn’t always easy. I just didn’t expect to feel this sense of sadness and confusion again this year, a year during which I’ve (thanks be to God) accomplished so much and worked so hard. I started this blog to document my mental health journey, and I feel I would be doing a disservice to the people who support me if I weren’t honest about the hard parts, too. I definitely do not have it all figured out, and I don’t want it to seem that way online. Here are the ways in which I’ve been struggling particularly hard in recent weeks.
After six years of undergrad, I guess feeling burnt out shouldn’t surprise me. It does scare me though, especially considering that I’m supposed to be headed into law school in August to start over at square one. I’ve just been feeling physically and mentally depleted of energy, and it’s negatively impacting my drive. I pray for strength.
I know I make a lot of jokes about not having friends, but sometimes I really do feel intensely alone in the world, even when I’m surrounded by loved ones. My recovery process has been rough to say the least, and most people I considered near and dear are now nearly strangers. Losing people is never easy or fun, but when it happens so drastically and so quickly that you don’t even have time to stop your head from spinning, it can feel like the end of life as you know it. It is the end of life as you know it, in a way. I pray for comfort.
Just when you’d think I’d be most grateful for those humans who have stuck around in my life, things seem to be more of a cluster-cuss than ever. I am struggling mightily not to let my inner turmoil affect how I treat those close to me, but it’s impossible not to sometimes. I feel the negativity weighing me down and wrapping itself around my tongue, forcing me into spitting its venom at undeserving passers-by. I’m also just plainly confused. I’m uncertain about which relationships are serving me and which aren’t, and that quandary is provoking significant anxiety. I pray for grace.
Having undergone as much therapy as I have at my age, I thought that I had a comfortable grasp on who I was, who I wanted to be, what I wanted my life to look like. Now I’m not so sure. I feel like I’m being bounced around like a beach ball at a rave, and it’s exhausting and befuddling. I wish I had more answers. I pray for clarity.
I know this is short, but … that’s all I have to say right now. The words just aren’t coming like they used to. I pray for inspiration. If you could join me in these prayers, I would greatly appreciate that kindness. I pray for you, too.